DEMOCRATS STEAL ELECTION!!!

 

Evidence of democratic election theft

(Washington, DC) On November 3rd, more than seventy million Americans cast legal ballots for President Donald Trump. However, almost four million more Americans cast votes for former Vice President Joe Biden in an attempt to steal the highest office in the land and give it back to the people. While the attack on the real estate mogul, turned reality television star, turned politician is shocking, it is far from unprecedented.

"They always try to tear me down," said President Trump. "It's like these people don't even want me to continue on as President. I am doing a great job, though. All of the people I've paid to tell me that I am doing a great job they say, 'Donald, we love you. You're doing a fantastic- an awesome - you're doing the best job ever!' Tremendous job they say. And, I am... the job I'm doing? Yeah, we're going to keep doing this great job. So great. No one would vote for anyone else; it's not sane. So, that's how you can tell that these votes are fraudulent: they're the ones that people supposedly cast for anyone but me. Oh, and Kanye - those votes... he can have a few... his votes, I guess, I mean, they're probably real, right? Yeah, those are real. Love you Yeezus. See? He's a black, and he ran against me, and we're still friends. It's fine. That's how real democracy works: you run against people who like you, they get a nod from a few of their fans, and everyone goes back to normal. The idea that seventy-four million Americans would come out, risk COVID, and cast votes against me just doesn't add up. It just doesn't. The only way that this could happen is if Joe Biden stole the election from me. So, that's what it is. Stolen. Illegitimate. My sons told me I won - how could they... They wouldn't. My boys are straight arrows; ask anyone. Everyone knows in their hearts that they voted... they all voted for me. You know it, I know it, Herman Cain, looking down from wherever black people go when they die - he knows it, too."

After several of his aides wrestled the microphones from President Trump's grasp and pulled him off stage, screams could be heard about QAnon, Hillary Clinton, 5G, and something about Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi's baby is Hitler before he goes back in time to cancel America for white people.

Sources inside the White House have leaked that close associates of the President plan to take him on a nice golfing vacation to Mara Lago, medically induce a very long nap, and when the President wakes up, not acknowledge that he was ever President, chalking all of his memories up to a strange dream.

"We've actually been working on this for a while," explained Jared Kushner. "When he was threatening Kim Jeong Eun with a 'bigger button' we actually put together a whole bunch of contingencies that essentially made it look like North Korea had actually been blown up and victory parades were being held in DC. Those special effects guys are wizards. They're absolute wizards. Putting the President into a sort of curated fantasy world has been out job from the get-go. A few of us got together before the election and sort of said, 'all right, if he loses this thing, who's going to tell him? Not me. Not you? Okay then, let's just cut out the middle man and stick him in a place where he thinks everything is going his way.' We toyed with the idea of virtual reality for a while, but it just didn't stand up."

After being denied a second chance to upbraid the American public on television, the President took to social media Tweeting, "We're bringing in fake vote sniffing dogs!" "YOU DON'T DESERVE ME!" and "IF YOU TAKE ME OUT OF POWER, YOU'LL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT COVFEFE MEANS!!!"