AMUSED BY GIULIANI'S HAIR DYE, PUBLIC MISSES DANGEROUS FRAUD CLAIMS

 

Member of Team Claiming that Joe Biden Suffers from Dementia

(Washington, DC) - On Thursday, President Donald Trump's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at the RNC headquarters, blasting the media coverage of the legal team's attempts to overturn election results. Echoing conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory, the former mayor of New York City charged that American votes were being counted overseas, ballots were being printed and dropped off by the truckload on election night, the company responsible for the technology incorporated into the voting machines has (present tense) close ties to dead Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, there were ballot overcounts for in various states, Republican observers were held in pens during the counting process, and the evidence of this was in affidavits that his legal team has.

Additionally, his perspiration caused hair dye to leak down the sides of his head, causing levity in the mass of American public, who apparently did not hear the insane claims that the man was making, in an attempt to overturn a semi-democratic election. In a direct response to reports that his legal team had no evidence, Giuliani produced a sworn affidavit, contesting that the woman who had filed it would have no reason to lie about what she had sworn under oath, apparently missing the variety of reasons that anyone with a brain could produce. The legal team echoed his claims with impassioned and often indignant claims of their own, knowing full well that they could say just about anything because the lion's share of press coverage would be devoted the hair dye, leaking down the sides of the head of the head of the legal team.

"I could have told people that Donald Trump is a hologram and that he was generated by the prayers of evangelicals who don't actually believe in god," said Sidney Powell. "No one was going to hear a damn word of it. Did you see how Jenna kept smirking through the whole conference? That was because we knew that this was win-win. You've heard that there's no such thing as bad press? That goes double in law. If they had video tape of Donald Trump raping a puppy, shouting nuclear codes into a conference call with Vladimir Putin, and we defended him, we could get jobs at any legal firm in the country. The thing with Giuliani's hair dye? Even better. We get credit for the defense, the public gets distracted by a big, fat nothing burger, and Jenna and I laugh all the way to the bank."

When asked for further commentary, Eliss and Powell said that they were late for an appointment with Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.