(Washington, DC) During a heated press conference, President Donald Trump broke from scripted responses to address the American people directly with a message that caught many by surprise.
"Listen you disgusting vomit bags," said the President, "Yes, I am talking to you - all of you, the American public." Shocked into motionlessness, the assembled press watched, open mouthed as the amazingly coherent comments continued. "Look, I despise you. You are all nauseating to me. White supremacists? Black supremacists? Regular, average people? You make me want to throw up everything I've ever eaten. Democrat? Republican? Green Party? Don't even get me started on the Independents out there. This country needs to be entirely cleansed of the filth that is the American public. Draining the swamp starts with YOU. Y-O-U, YOU. I am actively trying to kill every last one of you, and if I can make it as agonizing as possible, I will. It's not enough for you to die. I want you all to suffer. I repeat: I hate you all and will try to kill every last one of you if I can. I am not joking. There is literally no other way to interpret this; I want you all to scream in pain as you die horribly."
After much throat clearing, hemming, and hawing, Fox News was first to respond, saying that it was waiting for word from the President's administration for clarification. One America News Network released one final statement before closing its doors with a finality that seems both ominous and permanent. The statement read, "Mr. President, we are doing our best to honor your request and have issued the appropriate tools for all of our staff members to honor you with self-immolation. Please, let us know by 5 pm this evening if this either not painful enough or if you have changed your mind, like God with Isaac."
The Twitterverse was quick to take up the controversy with Trump's detractors saying things like, "This is the most honest thing that Drumpf has said, ever," "Duh. Duh, duhing duh," and "How is any of this a surprise?"
However, Trump's supporters' responses to his comments have been much more varied.
"It's like I been sayin Trumps says it like it us. #MAGA," "And people call him a liar. Finally an honest President with balls," and "I AGREE ALL OF Y'ALL ARE GROSS AS HELL!" all share a common thread of agreement and acceptance. But, Tweets like, "This is a deep state fake! Fake News!" "OANN WHERE ARE YOU!?" and "Oh come on people, you know this just the MSM confusing the video," all indicate that their authors do not believe the video of Trump clearly stating that he loathes all of America. Lastly, there were a number of miscellaneous responses that defied classification, ranging from, "Oh come on now. It's clear that he's just," "This is a joke. Can't you tell when someone is joking about not joking!?" "Now thats some good points there. Yall cant talk bout nothin what aint been said" and "DIGABAH GRRRNTTTTGGGGG AWWWWAAALLLLAAAAYYYAAAA!!!" and more than a few other responses that made even less sense.
When asked for a follow up, the administration merely said that it was mobilizing all standing military and reserves for an "unspecified protocol."
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