GEORGE ZIMMERMAN GUNS DOWN FOREIGN COMMUNIST INSURGENT

 

Through the chimney? Who knows what he might have done once inside?

(Tallahassee, FL) - Once again invoking "Stand Your Ground" George Zimmerman has killed in what he is calling "defense" of his (neighbor's) property.

"Guy was on the roof of the Hobarts' place next door," said the thirty-seven year-old insurance underwriter. "You can tell with what these guys wear. All red? Commie for sure. Well, we don't tolerate that kind of Russian spy crap around here. So, I introduced him to my .45, and, well, he isn't coming back next year."

The individual was identified as the 1,750 year-old Saint Nicholas of Myra, aka Nicholas of Bari, aka Santa Claus, aka Father Christmas, etc. Having immigrated from his native Greece to the North Pole sometime in the last millennium, Saint Nicholas was known, annually, to give presents to well-behaved Christian children around the globe. Stories about the deceased range from his employing a large number of elves to create toys to his use of a team of reindeer in distribution.

"He's the spirit of Christmas! Everyone knows about him!" sobbed six year-old Jimmy Hobart, one of the children of the household where the body was discovered.

NRA and GOP allies have been quick to defend Zimmerman's actions. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had this to say:

"We got him! We've been after that bastard for years. Do you know how many intellectual property rights laws he and his crew have violated? Do you know how many counts of trespassing, breaking and entering, unlawful entry, border violations, customs infringments... It's staggering! He was a foreign national wearing the colors of the communist party, engaging in an act of clear class warfare! This was clearly an act of defense. Mr. Zimmerman was defending his home, his neighbors' homes, his town! I just wish that my diseased death claw could stand the human contact it would take to shake his hand. Imagine: giving away presents! That's taking the yacht money right out of the pockets of the Waltons and Jeff Bezos! It's disgusting, and I, for one, am glad that he's dead. He's clearly a communist - look at the distribution of presents! It's based on merit! No cronyism, no nepotism, no advantages for anyone! That's insane!"

Zimmerman's legal aid was tight-lipped about the entire affair, saying only that they had an ironclad defense against any murder charges. An inside source has said, however, that they are afraid of a little known writ called, "The Santa Clause."