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| If you look closely enough, you can annoy anyone! |
(Greensboro, NC) - Local high school English teacher and eschatology enthusiast, Sean Bienert, enjoys pointing out parallels in literature, life, and abstract poetic devices, as this is part of his job. This week, however, he exuberantly pointed out the absolutely terrifying metaphorical significance of several headlines from different news sources.
"So, Ellie Kemper was the protagonist in a show about a white girl who was kidnapped and raised in a bunker, unaware of the world outside, which she discovers and maladroitly finds her place in, to comedic effect," pointed out Bienert. "And when she was actually a teenager, she was also placed in a pageant, the paragon of absurd and often unhealthy relationships with the outside world, organized by a group that had ties to racist cultural elites, who didn't reveal their prejudices to a girl who had no knowledge of them, having been raised in a society that discourages its beneficiaries from questioning systemic prejudice?" After a long exhale, he continued. "I mean, are they going to make a show about that, too? It's obviously already been written, but do they have dialogue?"
"Bezos is going to space, huh?" groaned Bienert. "This so perfectly captures the capitalistic nature of our society that any attempt to satirize it is just going to come off as sincere. We literally have space aristocrats - they have to be above us on every level, Musk and Bezos. Jesus, even their names are terrible. Like, yeah guys, just use up all of our resources, screw up our ecosystem, and leave us with whatever scraps we can fight over. See you in the funny papers while we're living out The Sheep Look Up."
"Okay, this is probably a little bit over the top, and I stole it from a scientist friend of mine, but you can't get any more symbolic than this in the real world. Capitalism's relationship to entropy makes a fairly circular Venn Diagram. What's more capitalistic than unregulated currency? What's more capitalistic than producing absurd amounts of heat in a climate that's already heating up to an unsustainable level? Oh, I know! It's doing those things in a related fashion to create something that has no physical presence or applicability in the real world at all. As we use up the rest of the world's natural resources in an impossible attempt to sate our bottomless avarice, let's do it while creating something that goes a step farther than the old Cree adage about not being able to eat money: You can't even touch Bitcoin! While we're at it, let's flavor that whole story with a bit of the old War on Drugs!"
Bienert's friends were unavailable for comment as they had all suffered fatal ocular revolution injuries.
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