OPINION: I want my homoeroticism completely straight!

We're waiting for someone to try to correlate concussions with homosexuality. Some idiot will try it.

(Las Vegas) - In a sport where we get to watch the beauty of the male form crashing against other male forms (don't get me started on bringing women into the mix) it's disgusting that we keep getting back to identity politics with things like race. Well, now they want to make this about sexuality. Can't we keep sexuality out of a field of testosterone-driven pinnacles of musculature and sweaty endurance? Why do we need to know about Carl Nassib's sexuality when all we want to see are these hulking forms patting butts, scoring, and tackling each other?

It just has no place in this incredibly masculine sport. There's no place for it. I know, I know, all of the left out there is going to say that the attribution of strength and fitness to big manly men implies that gays are all limp about this wrist. Maybe that's not true, but I don't want to think about it when I am thinking about them all showering together after the game enjoying one of America's favorite pastimes. Because if a big, aggressive, powerful football player can be gay, so can I and that would just crush my wife or, really, anything outside of what I've deemed acceptable in my red, white, and blue, anglosaxon, protestant household, then it messes with my Sunday. Sunday is for God and football. Football and God. Do you think God wants to watch the gays out there prancing around in the lycra that he's used to seeing his totally, completely straight teams play in? Do you think Jesus, a man who spent all of his time hanging out with his disciples or apostles or whatever - do you think he wants to know who is gay and who isn't, on Sunday?

When I was in the Navy, we never had to worry about crap like this. We just cleaned the decks, peeled potatoes, ironed our uniforms, and wrestled. We wrestled like crazy. No one talked about gays because we all just knew that we were straight. Maybe all this talk is what's making people crazy about it. We didn't talk about being gay in the eighties, and it was one of the best decades ever for entertainment. You had Queen, Elton John, WWF, Top Gun, Boy George, George Michael, and Rambo.

It's just like all this race talk, if we don't talk about it, I don't have to think about it it doesn't become a problem! There's one race: homo sapiens. There's one sex: hom  People just don't need to think about stuff like this.

- Randy "Straight Shooter" Giardino