John Kruk Denies Allegations of Having Been an Athlete

 

Arete (Greek: ἀρετή) is a concept in ancient Greek thought that, in its most basic sense, refers to "excellence" of any kind.

(Naples, FL) - Former Major League Baseball player, John Kruk responded to allegations yesterday that he had, at one time, been an athlete. The sixty-year-old Kruk played first baseman and outfielder for three teams over the course of nine years, winning a spot on the All Star Team three times and a mention on the Philadelphia Phillies "Wall of Fame." According to Kruk, this does not mean that he was an athlete.

"You remember Little League?" he asked, "You remember being bored as all hell with your glove on your head and tossing it up in the air and catching it? Well, on the TV, they can pan away from us doing that in the outfield. They also never showed us all moving up when the pitchers came up to bat. Like, it's degrading or something. I mean, except Greg Maddux; that guy was a beast. So what they don't tell you is that most of the 'practices' and 'coaching' that we get... that's all just beer and cigarettes and women. I don't know if it's still like that, but it was kind of the best time of my life. Can you imagine? I got paid more than 11 million dollars. Do you know how much Busch that'll buy you? I don't yet. I'm still working on it."

When asked to comment a bit more on this, Kruk belched and scratched himself. Our baseball translator explained that this was a gesture of respect, but that we should move along before he spat tobacco juice at us.