Suez Canal Clear, Global Economy Free Again to Destroy Itself

Blockages of this sort will be common if the global economy doesn't start taking better care of itself.

(Planet Earth) - At around 3 pm local time, the Ever Given container ship finally cleared the section of the Suez Canal it had been blocking for the past six days. Experts suggest that fallout from the incident will have far-reaching and unpredictable effects on a global economic system that is already problematic on a systemic level. Having captured the attention of the public for about as much time as the public has to make meaningless memes about the situation, most major news outlets will have all but forgotten about it in the next... oh, about fifteen minutes - and that's being generous.

"Last year Australia caught on fire," said UC Berkley sociologist, Alvin Montag. "That captured the world's attention for... what a week? The crises that we're experiencing as a global culture, as a species, they're just too far-reaching and complicated for any single one of us to really understand, let alone do anything about. This was a pithy headline. A meme. The people who are going to really lose out from this are people who are already losing every day. And honestly, they probably aren't going to even know that it's this that's doing it to them. The global economy is an obese, drunk giant that doesn't know what it's doing, why it's doing it, and how many people are injured or killed because of it. The Suez blockage is very much like a minor heart attack in the body of a person who is indubitably set up for every health problem for which we have names. We're celebrating this ship emerging from the canal when everyone should be in absolute and utter horror that we don't know and, frankly, don't care to know what effects this will have and why those effects are dangerous."

We sat down with several average US residents to talk to them about the crisis in the Suez, and they had this to say:

Fran Denny of Davenport, IA, "I remember the Suez. That was in Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire!' He talks about trouble in the Suez; it's like it was prophetic or something!"

William Smith of Lucerne, GA, "Suez... that's in, like, China, right?"

Harley Jacobs of Fort Worth, TX, "This better not change the release date for the iPhone 13. Like, does anyone know if it's going to? Seriously, get it together people. #bebetter."

Robert Samuels of Freelig, OR, "Oh my god, this again? Get over it people. We need to focus on the real issues: Biden fell down Air Force One steps, and it's disgusting how the MSM isn't covering it like they did when Trump would call COVID, the Kung Flu."

We reached out to some of the heads of various industries to talk about crises in global culture, ecology, and economics, but they were too busy golfing with the actual human heads to reply.