Texas Introduces Law Protecting Vestigial Twins

The Semantics of Life

(Texas... Again...) In the wake of its controversial abortion law, Texas is rolling out even more legislation, showing a consistency in its views on what constitutes life. Legal expert, Dr. Doug McKinney of Grenton University's Law School had this to say, "If you're going to call a cluster of cells that has some manner of fibrillation 'alive,' the law would extend to a lot of other things as well. So, in places where the population isn't barking mad, people would recognize this and not write laws that way. And then you have Texas. They're getting out ahead of their own abortion lawsuit challenges by saying, 'Yes, we do think that vestigial twins are people. Who is to say that you're not their twin?' Obviously, this is complete malarkey, but then again, telling a woman that something her body might just miscarry now has more rights than she does, and that her neighbors can be rewarded for dropping a line to the police that she may have tried to do something about that... It's not such a far cry to see people saying that a chest growing out of your shoulder should be able to vote or something like that."

The US Supreme Court is expected to uphold the law because Justice Kavannaugh's friend, Squee, was once a vestigial twin himself, only having been surgically detached from the recently appointed judge after college.

"Yes, we believe that women should have bodily autonomy," said Amy Coney Barrett. "Just not in any way that really matters. That fetus could be a boy. That vestigial twin might only ever be a stomach growing out of your elbow, but if it has a pulse, I think it should be allowed to vote. After all, look at all of the human beings in our government who lack other basic features of humanity. I heard that Mitch McConnell was actually critical of heartbeat bills because they would have done nothing to protect him."