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| These faces show the five seconds of contemplation before setting women's rights back by, oh, almost fifty years... |
(Texas and Washington, DC) As the Texas law that makes abortion illegal as soon as the fetus has "a heartbeat" took effect this Wednesday, challenges to its legality have already arisen, and the Supreme Court appears to be allowing the law to stand. Additionally, the law incentivizes the general public's policing of the ban. $10,000 bounties are to be paid for law suits that successfully interfere with an abortion. As this will inherently challenge other states' abortion laws, and the Supreme Court is upholding it, investments in companies that produce Handmaid garments have already exceeded a 500% increase. Additionally, Planned Parenthood appears to be trying to get ahead of the problems that they expect to see in the coming months. We spoke to a representative from the nonprofit organization.
"Everyone knows that abortion is just the attempt of loose women to continue living their sinful lifestyles," said John White. "If they had to actually have the baby every time they had sex, they'd choose their partners a lot more carefully. Instead of going out with guys like Trent Halifax from my seventh grade English class, they'd have to go for better choices, like nice guys, like me."
Excuse us. That guy claimed to be from Planned Parenthood on the phone. He was just some guy.
"So we're just getting back to policing women's bodies and punishing them for having sex," said Brenda Tarrington actually of Planned Parenthood. "Well, we're going to make hay while the sun shines. All of our services are now two-for-one. I mean, obviously, we do a heck of a lot more down here than abortion, but that's in there, too. Oh? It isn't obvious that we do a lot more than provide abortions? So you mean to tell me that the general public has been misinformed about what we do? Imagine that."
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