AREA MAN HOSPITALIZED DUE TO SINCERITY DEFICIENCY

It's wonderful. (He means it's obviously terrible.)

(Greensboro, NC) - As misinformation reaches peak saturation levels on the internet, humanity has struggled to keep up with this fundamental change in how we communicate. Much of what one is likely to find on the internet is intentionally false with the intent to mislead, false with the intent to entertain, ignorant of facts, open to interpretation, and/or steampunk. This, coupled with a desire to avoid error and humiliation, is shaping human behavior in ways that are astounding linguists, sociologists, and now, medical doctors.

This past Thursday, Justin Lachowiez was admitted to Moses Cone hospital with what neurologists are referring to as "Poe's Law Syndrome."

"Mr. Lachowiez is unable to make truthful statements. Everything he says is some shade of sarcasm. It's amazing; I've never seen anything like it," says Dr. Stewart Washington, an NYU neurolinguistics expert, who is researching the phenomenon. "You can tell that he truly wants to say things that are accurate, but his mind has been so conditioned through social carrots and sticks that he cannot utter a single sincere statement. It's not difficult at all to see how this happens. Take a look on any internet message board or listen to any group of people talking in a restaurant. We use sarcasm to test the waters, as a parachute if we say something unacceptable, to defuse tension... we use it for so many things that it has replaced everything in our linguistic toolbox, so to speak. Well, if we feed certain neural pathways, those things can become compulsions. Strong aversions to words or idiomatic habits are commonplace due to societal pressures and habitual speech. It's so severe in this patient that it has completely rewired the portion of his brain called Wernicke's Area, and it is responsible for language. You can see the result."

"I'm totally fine," said Lachowiez. "Tooootally fine. Don't need to be in this place at all. Nothing serious here."

"It's likely that the patient was cowed into this by being unable to express himself for fear of ridicule, while being rewarded with laughter for making his sincerest statements sound like jokes. The dual effect of this is disastrous for an individual, but if you look at the way that we are behaving as a culture, it cannot come as any surprise," continued Dr. Washington.

A representative from Moses Cone Hospital did point out, with Mr. Lachowiez's implied approval, that the admittance form for his entrance into the facility was actually for blunt force trauma to the head that the patient received when he told his girlfriend how excited he was to hang out with her family this coming weekend.