NORTH CAROLINIAN TEACHERS JOIN THE RANKS OF THE ARISTOCRATIC ELITE

Raleigh, N.C. - Former Governor, Pat McCrory, passed a teacher pay raise toward the end of his term in 2016, raising salaries across the state. Now, Governor Cooper has revealed plans to increase teacher pay again. Consistently ranked at the bottom half of the country and in the midst of a teacher exodus, the state has been grappling with educational issues for quite some time.
"We just want teachers to know that they are an important part of our state," a spokesperson for Governor Cooper told the press on Monday. "Without education, how can we progress? What hope can there be for the future?"
The state's educators, however, have had a different approach to the next round of pay raises.
"Heavens," said Brighton Amsted, "I wouldn't want to have to finance my gold-plated H2. I mean, how else do you expect me to convey myself from my vocation to my domicile?"
He paused, musing over his own words, to strike a street urchin with his yardstick.
"We teachers need to feel the appreciation of the public," stated Bellasious Ferntontruck, as she allowed several baubles, replete with precious stones, to roll over her knuckles and onto her Persian carpet. "If that appreciation is fiscal, then we daresn't refuse them. Such behavior would be utterly unbecoming of the *ahem* gentille class. Wouldn't it?"
However, a good number of North Carolinian residents are less than happy with the allocation of these funds.
"I teel you wut," said Geoff Granger, a local possum wrangler, "them scuzzimuffin tainty-daints don' know nuffin hain't been what tol' 'em."
We are to assume that Granger's words showed strong disdain for the new pay raises under Roy Cooper. He went on to say, "Seer me hin I git to ya. Ah'll wrack'n peddle'im till yurt's gon' fie!"
This probably scathing critique of the state's educators' rise from 42nd in the nation to the auspicious 41st is neither intelligible nor uncommon among North Carolinians. Meanwhile, several teachers responded to this by paying rent and student loan debts while staring on in what could only be described as existential grief.