(Washington, DC) In the opening of President Trump's impeachment hearing, arguments from Republicans took a turn for the complex. Seemingly damning conclusions delivered by the Government Accountability Office with regard to the ongoing scandal Ukraine scandal have baldly called the administration's actions illegal. Despite this, Capitol Hill remains fiercely partisan. When questioned about anything to do with the country's third impeachment of a President, Republicans vehemently argue that no wrongdoing has transpired on the part of the administration.
Invoking recent claims by quantum theorists, Mitch McConnell (R-KY) spoke directly to the evidence marshaled against the President, "Now, it's so complicated that I am not entirely certain that I understand all of it. I've been told, though, that some very smart people out there are quite certain that there is more than one universe. Along with that, there are multiple potentialities that stem from any event, even on a microscopic scale. So, what you've got to understand from all of this is that with pretty much infinite universes out there, all branching off from every different event in history, there are branches of the universe where it looks a whole lot like Donald Trump is guilty as sin - but he isn't. How can you be so sure that we're not in one of those universes? Why, we might even be in a universe where Donald Trump is a god-fearing Christian who has never once stepped outside of biblical commandments, never so much as harmed a fly, but in that universe, he looks just terrible. Can we be certain that we are not in such a universe? Can we? I have been assured by a number of glasses-wearing white men in lab coats that it is a possibility. And, if that is a possibility, then the President has not been proven guilty. In America, we are innocent until proven guilty."
Democrats were quick to point out that this would exonerate every criminal in history because the exact same approach could be applied to anyone from Adolf Hitler to the recipient of a parking violation. "This truly is the last bastion of scoundrels," commented Chuck Schumer (D-NY). Republicans responded by saying that Adolf Hitler was not currently on trial. On a hot mic, Schumer was heard to say, "Would it make a difference?"
And, while these early impeachment remarks have left much of the US populace scratching their heads, it is worth noting that McConnell's remarks mirror those of Rudy Giuliani after part of his brain was sucked through a wormhole sometime between 2001 and 2018.
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