(Atlanta, GA) In an effort to quell racist fears about the "Wuhan" Coronavirus (COVID-19), a representative for the Centers for Disease Control released the following statement:
"We do not know the ethnicity of your neighbors, and we cannot and will not guess based on a phone call. Being of Asian descent does not mean that a person has been to Asia in their lifetime or even has relatives within several generations who have. Please, do not call us to, and I quote, 'check them out for you.' Yes, we understand that you have children. We are monitoring the spread of COVID-19 very closely and do not have time to talk to you about whether or not your neighbors are eating bats. It is very likely that they are not. Please, do not let prejudices get the better of you in your dealings with other people. We will update the public with more if events warrant. Thank you."
The statement, however, fell on deaf ears as many locals were unsatisfied with the levels of precaution that the center was willing to take.
"How do we, the public, know if these people are safe? Andrew Yang was running for President up until last week - has anyone checked him out?" said Alfred McDonald, a Multilevel Marketing Coordinator and resident of Pawshackleyville, AR. "You just can never be too careful. My dad fought against the Japs in the Aleutians, and he told me that they were the wiliest bunch you ever did see. How do we know that them Chinamen haven't been planning to come over here and cough on us for the past three generations? Can you prove they aren't?"
The interviewer was too shocked to ask follow up questions and left Mr. McDonald in a state of satisfied, albeit ill-founded, superiority.
The CDC's message, though apparently completely ineffective, has brought out a lot of critics who are also racist but unaware that the condition plagues them.
"Racist? Doesn't that mean that you hate black people? I don't hate black people. I heard a Don King record once, and it wasn't half bad," commented Norma Rae Parker of Drifting Oak, AL. "What does my worrying about my neighbors, the Kims, maybe having that bat flu have to do with racism? I mean, I know they're from Korea - but, maybe, it's that bad Korea. Maybe, they're in league with the Chinese to get us all sick. You ever thought of that? The simple fact is that without a test, you can't know."
"The problem," claimed Dr. Patricia Choi of the CDC, "is that most of these racist assholes live in areas that are so rural that a lot of them have only ever seen Asians on TV. They watched a season or two of 'The Walking Dead' and know where the CDC is, so they call in with whatever completely absurd idea about an Asian person that they - and, I shit you not, this part is a direct quote: they might have seen on the street a year ago. That person was asking if they could have been exposed. And, that's just one example. There are a fields upon fields of data. I'm not kidding. This is worse than those Asian fetishists on the internet. Ugh. It makes me want to study the spread of stupidity as a contagion."
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