(Miami Gardens, FL) At this year's Super Bowl halftime show, pop icons, J-Lo and Shakira, wowed viewers with a spectacle of gargantuan proportions. The performance featured all of the usual visual overloads of previous years, along with a stripper pole and the conspicuous absence of Left Shark. The roughly fourteen minute production marked the halfway point in the championship game. The NFL, known for its attempts to silence investigations into the safety of its practices and apparent thin-skinned reactions to its players staging peaceful protests, came under fire from conservatives for being too risque.
"I just can't believe that smut!" cried Carrie Blanc of White Plains, NY. "Don't they know that J-Lo's, like, forty-five!?"
"My kids were watching those pituitary cases bludgeon each other into unconsciousness! Then, they put on those... those... women!" said Caroline Alba, a Domestics Manager from Whitesboro, TX.
"I can't believe Shakira was up there, shaking herself like that, isn't she ashamed of herself? You'd think she'd know better, but, no, she's just going to pretend like she isn't in her thirties. Just wait! Just wait! This is why she'll never be a big star like Kellie Pickler," posted Carol Lynn Weiss (Whitesville, AL).
Conservative law makers were quick to engage with these concerns.
"We must protect our children," commented House Republican Frank Balts (KY), "And, the only way to do it is to make sure that they don't see this sort of thing from these women."
Balts' speech was interrupted with chants of "Build the Wall," "Lock her up!" and "Show us your tits!"
"A wall is necessary to protect our children!" Balts continued, borrowing from the words of President Trump, "They're not sending us their best people. They're bringing over dancing like this. They're bringing over that guy in the silver trench coat. They're ululating like Islams! They're getting involved in fake relationships with Ben Affleck! And, some of them, I assume, are very good people. We need a wall!"
Shakira and J-Lo could not be reached for comment as they were too busy rolling around on massive piles of money, (not from the NFL) stardom, and acclaim. The President could not be reached for comment as the hypocrisy of his evangelical followers took on an even more dissonant tone.
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