(Bentham, GA) Despite its prevalence in movies, music, television, novels, and comic books, the accessible and enjoyable world of teenage hook ups continues to evade local teen, Christopher Gillespie. According to all of his media consumption, Gillespie should be inundated with crowds of nubile, attractive, and willing sexual partners. Instead, he remains a virgin who, despite his best efforts, is unable to seduce women with stares, suggestive jokes, or smiling in their direction. He has tried becoming friends with them but only ever ends up, according to him, "in the friend zone."
"It's like that song 'I Know What Boys Like' by the Waitresses. You remember that? You remember the part where she says, 'I make them want me, I like to tease them'? These girls are just messing with my head. And, what's worse, there are a ton of guys out there who are just straight up assholes - not even good looking ones, and they still get girls. What's the deal!? They're constantly talking about it, and it's in the freaking movies and music and everything all the time."
Oddly enough, Gillespie's sentiments are shared by all of the teens in the town where he lives.
"In our church group," said Kashia Grant, "they're always warning us of these guys that are all trying to have sex with us, but, like, they just aren't. They're all too busy playing video games and jacking off to internet porn. I wanna be sexually active. I want to be a liberated woman. I want to be a sinner. Or, heck, I'd at least like to have the choice!"
While the data is self-reported, a recent study of sexual activity in teens found that fewer and fewer are engaging in any kind of intercourse. Dr. Alexis Watkins of University of Ellington's Sexuality and Culture Department had this to say, "Despite desire on all sides of the equation, teens are spurning genuine interaction with each other for safe and agreeable entertainment that will neither challenge what they feel nor ask them to do anything at all. Much like the capitalist system that sells absurd dreams to the most vulnerable of its citizens, the entertainment industry is selling sexuality that doesn't really exist to a public that who what it even is that they want."
When asked if they knew each other, both Christopher Gillespie and Kashia Grant responded with grimaces and said, "Ew."
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